Make your goals specific or be ready for God's interpretation. . .

We all do it.  Whether formally on paper, in our head, or just in our spirit.  Our entire life we set goals, things we want to do or be.
Recently, I have been evaluating my almost 40 years.  I started out thinking, wow, I haven't met any of my goals.  It was then in my self-pity, that God was able slap me.  And say, "you met them, take a minute and reevaluate, this time look at them with My boundaries and not Rachel's."

This is what I found -

Goal #1 - I want to be a teacher when I grow up.  
Rachel's Idea
My view of this had me in an amazing classroom full of children who were excited that I was their teacher.  A classroom that other teachers only longed to have - full of wonder, color, technology, and creativity.  I was going to make a difference in lives of countless students.  I was going to be that teacher they always thought of as adults, when they thought of the teacher that made a difference in their lives.
God's Idea
I am the teacher to three amazing people.  I sit at my kitchen table surrounded by laundry, dirty dishes, and lunch plates discussing the Trojan War, atomic structure, how to find the area of a circle, the Apollo space missions, and how to write a good paragraph - simultaneously.  I will the be the teacher they think of when they grow up, by default :).

Goal #2 - I want to change the world.
Rachel's Idea
I was going to do something that people would recognize as world changing.   Something that made this world a better place.  Something that allowed this world to have little more potential.
God's Idea
He gave me three acres of "the world" to change.  I have quite literally changed the physical world on which we live.  What was once over grown and unusable, is now producing food and allowing animals to sustain life.  It is providing a place for family and friends to get away from the hustle and bustle and find hope and peace.  My three acres have potential and there is lot more "world" changing left to do.

Goal #3 - I want a big family.
Rachel's Idea
We were going to give the Duggar's a run for their money :)
God's Idea
He gave me body that would have limits, but heart that would not.  Becoming a foster parent has allowed me to love - at last count 7 little blessings.  Who knows?  Some of these blessing may officially become Medlin's, but all of them have been loved with a mother's love.

Goal #4 - I want to preach The Word.
Rachel's Idea
I was going to be a preacher like all those preachers I know.  I was going to stand in a pulpit and deliver sermons that would make people want to be different.
God's Idea
Here is the definition of preach on google -

Full Definition of PREACH

intransitive verb

1

:  to deliver a sermon

2

:  to urge acceptance or abandonment of an idea or course of action

Looks like God had definition number in mind for me.

And Finally Goal #4 - I want to be a writer.
Rachel's Idea
I wanted to walk through the library and see my name on the spine of a book.  I wanted to write words that move people.  Words that would link in with other goals I had like changing the world and preaching.
God's Idea
He gave me a blog and let me vent my heart about how He deals with me.

Do you see the pattern yet?  All my goals were totally ME centered.  All about how my name would make a difference.  All His fulfillment's of my goals are totally GOD centered.  They can't be described without using His name.   They can't be explained without giving Him glory.  And they certainly would not have been met without His direction.

I am so glad God took my goals and made them His.  I might not be everything I thought I was going to be.  But I live in assurance that God has allowed me to meet every goal.

When a broken heart breaks . . .

I always knew homesteading had it's good days and bad.  I am also no stranger to the fact that life has it's good and bad days, as well.   When those two align and fall into to a steady pace of overwhelming hurt, the lessons you learn come at you so fast you almost don't have time to process.

Our fostering days took an unexpected turn last week, when we returned the four year old we had loved as our own for seven months.  We had watched them rise and fall in never ending cycle of advancing and regressing. We had loved them through physical and mental illness.  We had alllowed them in our heart and home knowing that the moment would come when we had to let go.  The moment came and my heart broke just as I knew it would.  It was ok.  My God is bigger than my boken heart.   And I knew that as strange as sounded, I could recover in the safety of The Homestead.  I could sink my energy into the the things that I see bring joy and comfort to kids, and yes, me as well. Our animals are so fun.  Ducks, Chickens, Goats and Horses - they all allow us to escape the harsh realities of the life we choose as a foster family.

And then it happend our world's collided leaving behind an aftermath of brokeness, that on outside looking in may seem not too overwhelming. Know that to us here on The Homestead it was all real and it all hurt.   

Our sweet goat Charlotte came to live on The Homestead just weeks after moving in.  She was supposed to be for milk, but really just ended up being a bi-hooved pet :).  I had been her "vet" giving her penicillin shots when she was sick.  I had been her mid-wife through two births - the first of which required me to be a little more hands than I had planned - the second was amazingly smooth with twins being the end result.  Four days before returning our child, while protecting her babies Charlotte was bitten by a snake and lost her life in just hours.  I know animals are not people, I get that!  But invest some blood and sweat in anything and it hurts when you loose them.  

The day after we returned our sweet four year old, a pack of dogs came through and in the blink of eye took down four chickens and our lone duck.  That duck was such a fun addition to the farm, her funny little waddle, the fact she thought she was a chicken, her low muffled quacking as she bossed all the chickens around, and her amazing eggs will all be missed.

Yesterday, my broken heart broke just a bit more - a year and half ago I met a horse.  Now, I have met a lot of horses in my day and up until that day, a horse was just a horse.  Something my daughter loved that I had learn to appreciate to make her world brighter. This horse was different, it was love at first sight.  We had a connection and it was like he got me, in all my clumsiness and full-figure - he was happy to let me be a cowgirl :)  It worked out through a long chain of events that four months ago, Polka Dot came to call The Homestead home.  He was "momma's boy".  This week we noticed a rapid decline in his health - long story short - he had intestinal lymphoma.  It came on fast and there was nothing we could do.  So last night, I stood in a stall, held his head in my chest and said good-bye. 

So I sit here writing and thinking - wow - I could have made some different decisions and missed all this pain.  That thought lasts just moment, you see I am better mom for having loved and cared for that sweet child.  I am better farmer for having invested so much time, energy, and yes, love in those animals.  I would have missed so much, if I had chosen not to love.  

And I look at all I still have and I overwhelmed by God's goodness.  

See pain and joy can exist in the same moment. Brokeness is just the process of God allowing our heart to get bigger.  Now, don't get me wrong it hurts, but on the otherside when God fills in all the cracks with peace and joy - I am going to be amazed at what God is gonna do through my new heart.  

I am so thankful that I didn't let the fear of pain stop me.  I am so glad that God is still breaking my heart to make it bigger. 

Saying Goodbye to Facebook and Living in HOPE on the Homestead

I quit Facebook a couple of months ago.  It wasn't really the big deal I thought it would be.  I found that I really didn't miss knowing what my third grade teacher's cousin had for lunch.  What I have missed is the creative vent.  The ability to, in a few lines, express myself.  Facebook was much easier on my schedule than blogging.  On Facebook, it all happened right where I was, on the phone in my hand.  A few short lines and bam - Creative juices satisfied.  I know blogging can be a excellent alternative.  Yet, I find blogging, so much more intimidating.  It requires such precision in word choice, such attention to detail, and for me a keyboard.  I can't blog on my phone.  I have to sit with keyboard under my hands, fingers resting on the home row keys, while I let creativity flow from my head through my heart and out my fingers.

So, I have opted out of my Sunday afternoon nap to vent what is gnawing at my soul. . . 

. . . loss. . .

Loss comes in so many forms.  Yet, it always finds a way to hurt.  This week my losses are piling up.  They are quickly overwhelming my gains at a rate that makes my head spin. 

I cling to HOPE.

Knowing that each loss is just a way for HOPE to shine brighter.

Knowing that God already saw this coming.

Knowing that so many others out there hurt much more than I.

Knowing that when it gets this dark - it has to get brighter soon.

Loss will not define me.  It will not be what make me who I am.  It will only be a chisel to refine and shape.  It will be a tool with which I can see HOPE.  

We have called our little world here in the middle of country.  Hope on the Homestead.  Praying that it was going to be a beacon of HOPE for all those who entered.  A place to know that God is Love and He longs to be apart of your life, giving you a HOPE for the future.  I didn't realize that I would be our number customer :)