When a broken heart breaks . . .

I always knew homesteading had it's good days and bad.  I am also no stranger to the fact that life has it's good and bad days, as well.   When those two align and fall into to a steady pace of overwhelming hurt, the lessons you learn come at you so fast you almost don't have time to process.

Our fostering days took an unexpected turn last week, when we returned the four year old we had loved as our own for seven months.  We had watched them rise and fall in never ending cycle of advancing and regressing. We had loved them through physical and mental illness.  We had alllowed them in our heart and home knowing that the moment would come when we had to let go.  The moment came and my heart broke just as I knew it would.  It was ok.  My God is bigger than my boken heart.   And I knew that as strange as sounded, I could recover in the safety of The Homestead.  I could sink my energy into the the things that I see bring joy and comfort to kids, and yes, me as well. Our animals are so fun.  Ducks, Chickens, Goats and Horses - they all allow us to escape the harsh realities of the life we choose as a foster family.

And then it happend our world's collided leaving behind an aftermath of brokeness, that on outside looking in may seem not too overwhelming. Know that to us here on The Homestead it was all real and it all hurt.   

Our sweet goat Charlotte came to live on The Homestead just weeks after moving in.  She was supposed to be for milk, but really just ended up being a bi-hooved pet :).  I had been her "vet" giving her penicillin shots when she was sick.  I had been her mid-wife through two births - the first of which required me to be a little more hands than I had planned - the second was amazingly smooth with twins being the end result.  Four days before returning our child, while protecting her babies Charlotte was bitten by a snake and lost her life in just hours.  I know animals are not people, I get that!  But invest some blood and sweat in anything and it hurts when you loose them.  

The day after we returned our sweet four year old, a pack of dogs came through and in the blink of eye took down four chickens and our lone duck.  That duck was such a fun addition to the farm, her funny little waddle, the fact she thought she was a chicken, her low muffled quacking as she bossed all the chickens around, and her amazing eggs will all be missed.

Yesterday, my broken heart broke just a bit more - a year and half ago I met a horse.  Now, I have met a lot of horses in my day and up until that day, a horse was just a horse.  Something my daughter loved that I had learn to appreciate to make her world brighter. This horse was different, it was love at first sight.  We had a connection and it was like he got me, in all my clumsiness and full-figure - he was happy to let me be a cowgirl :)  It worked out through a long chain of events that four months ago, Polka Dot came to call The Homestead home.  He was "momma's boy".  This week we noticed a rapid decline in his health - long story short - he had intestinal lymphoma.  It came on fast and there was nothing we could do.  So last night, I stood in a stall, held his head in my chest and said good-bye. 

So I sit here writing and thinking - wow - I could have made some different decisions and missed all this pain.  That thought lasts just moment, you see I am better mom for having loved and cared for that sweet child.  I am better farmer for having invested so much time, energy, and yes, love in those animals.  I would have missed so much, if I had chosen not to love.  

And I look at all I still have and I overwhelmed by God's goodness.  

See pain and joy can exist in the same moment. Brokeness is just the process of God allowing our heart to get bigger.  Now, don't get me wrong it hurts, but on the otherside when God fills in all the cracks with peace and joy - I am going to be amazed at what God is gonna do through my new heart.  

I am so thankful that I didn't let the fear of pain stop me.  I am so glad that God is still breaking my heart to make it bigger.